went to the doctor yesterday. i was literally 1 minute from being late [rain, traffic, falling down the stairs like an idiot], and then the lady at the desk told me fedEx dropped me from their insurance ...again. apparently they don't believe that i'm a full time student. so i'll be getting charged $100. healthcare is a peach. but i'm medicated again, and like i've said umpteen times before, i don't know what to think about that. it's the same shit as last time. the Amies have returned.

they also gave me this migraine medication that disolves in your mouth for 'fast-acting results.' although they did warn me not to take it too often. i guess it works by constricting blood vessels to reduce pressure on the brain, but every blood vessel is affected, so if i take it for too long, it could result in my extremities developing gangreen. nervous laugh.

on the upside, i have a hot doctor. asian lady, super friendly, hella cute.

elsewhere, my poetry teacher is helping found a poetry outreach thing. i think the objective is to try to connect the students, staff, and community with poetry. i think. i have no idea really, but Hollander wants me to be a part of it. i'm not opposed to it, but i don't think i'd be a very bennificial addition. i'm shitty at speaking, i don't really have much interest or dedication to the community, i've never been involved in any program or club or what have you. They're hoping to start an experimental class that meets like three times per semester in hope of evolving this idea. i'll probably sign up. i'm interested, i jjust have no idea what it's about...but i guess no one does yet.

life is joyous, isn't it? i laugh cynically and cough up furballs.

i compared my most recent drawings from my Figure and Comp class, to to ones from my very first day. Nothing's changed except the color. I'm still making the same mistakes. I thought i'd improved.

My teacher asked me to read 'uterine wall' out loud. i couldn't bring myself to do it. i'm blaming it on the fact that the desks are arranged in a circle, and i'd have to face everyone as i read it, rather than hiding next to the wall like i usually do. but i know in reality i wouldn't be able to read it to them regardless on how i face them. i'm more of a whiney fag than i thought.

i weighed myself yesterday. i weighed myself a few times actually, just to make sure it was right. somehow i'm up to 165. officially obese, considering i'm twenty pounds above what the average for my height and age are. HOW THE FUCK is is that i never excercised in high school till i joined track the last semester of senior year [when i first started putting on wieght], i went out every friday for thai food and french fries, and mananged to stay at 140?
i've joined the gym [2-4 days a week in there], stopped eating red meat, stopped drinking beer, lowered my sugar intake, NEVER go out to restaurants...and put on twenty pounds. i'd kill myself except i promised never to die fat.

and now i'm supposed to go to this fucking halloween party. i'm going as an asshole. i won't be drinking, or doing anything really, so i probably will be an asshole and leave early. ...my get-up consists of a plastic terminator-esque kid's chest plate, a too-small rainbow wig that i have to tie onto my head, goggles, fairy wings, and rainbow armwarmers. maybe i'll put on some make up, but my idea it too dress as awkward and disgusting as i feel. i think i've nailed it.

so my real poetry teacher is back, he had me read 'sound' out loud.....so even though it wasn't a new piece, it wasn't as if i felt like i got raped by the easter bunny, like after reading 'genes.' and i finally got some amount of critique from him (i'm starting to miss how Klevens ripped apart everything i wrote). but apparently i'm giving the impression that i'm a one-trick-pony. it's like yeah, i can describe shit, but there's not really anything there aside from a detailed picture. there's no oomph. nothing jarring, discomforting, or bizarre. so that sucks...but at least i know what i need to improve on. i haven't turned in 'uterine wall' yet, but i think it's a step in the right direction.

i had a dream the other night that i went to hell. i don't think i died or anything, but iit turned out that hell was the high school bathrooms, hahaha. and i kept bumping into people i'd always try to avoid, like justin, collin, and amanda rose. i think dawn schaffner might have been the devil, but i can't quite remember, but i know she was there.

ALSO! i'm just about done with my ninetails/vulpix picture, just need background and a little more detailing. i expected to be done with this series a while ago, but school started and my resurrected pokemon obsession kinda died, along with my intrest in just about anything and everything. ...which might explain why i've been drinking so much. regardless, it will be up quite soon.

i'm fed up with this online class i'm taking. actually, it's not the class itself, but the Blackboard website. SCREW THAT MOTHER FUCKING BLACKBOARD.COM. shit ain't lettin me start class. i feel bad for pestering the teacher i haven't even met yet, but i'm greatful she's at least been patient with me.

waiting for psych to start. i'll probably go to the gym before that, maybe try to find the Negotiation book I need for the online corse.

my phone's been disconnected and the battery dead all week. i'm supposed to go pay for it now but...i'll probably leave it uncharged.

doctor's appointment tomorrow, and lovefest on saturday. i'm going in for chronic headaches, again. they'll probably put me back on antidepressants. not sure how i feel about that yet, but depending on what they give me i may or may not go to lovefest.

i had to read that shitty 'genes' poem in class today. no one got the transgender part, not suprising. but we had a sub today, nice lady, but not my type. after i read it she went on a spiel about female empowerment and how the role of women is changing. the topic had already come up several times and we kept reading crap about women who consider their bodies to be sacred and all this bullshit, and everyone else was having these really heated discussions about it.... i'm suprised i didn't just leave. but the huge misinterpretation on my poem set me off a bit. i did't say anything, obviously i wasn't about to come out to fifteen strangers, but it just reinforces the fact that i really need to fix that piece. i wasn't even very prowd of it to begin with, but after that it just sounds like a whiney unsatisfied bitch complaining about her body. ...i generally try to avoid that. so here i go, sounding as angsty and self-pitying as ever, fucking hell they should put me on meds tomorrow. fucking tranquilizers, something to shut me up. actually if they give me tranqs, i'm definetely going to Lovefest.

i finally got a scanner/printer, so no more shoulder-tapping for me. but as luck would have it, the sofware would freeze in the middle of downloading, so i wasn't able to print out my english homework -"- fortunately me teacher was kind enough to print it out last minute in an email. finally downloaded this afternoon, hopefully i can up-date some of the shitty images.

many small irksome things.

if i'm lucky i'll be able to continue the 'mental unwinding' i started during my lunch break after psychology tonight.